My Emotional Awareness From Being Fat

When I was heavier I felt very inadequate.  I felt my size and emotional state kept me from fully showing up for myself, my kids, my husband, my friends, my job, you name it.  I thought I was the worst person on earth with no value.  I didn’t play with my kids the way I wanted to because I tired easily.  Being intimate with my husband wasn’t the most comfortable experience because I didn’t want him to see all my fat rolls.  To say I felt unattractive would be an understatement.  I didn’t hang out with friends much, but if I did, it was always at their place or mine – not really many public places.  I held back with my employers because I didn’t want to be seen.  I was full blown depressed. 

For me, emotions and feelings were very overwhelming.  Even the slightest disruption to my emotional state would cause me to not only flip my own apple cart over, but light it on fire!  As a means to reduce the intensity of the emotions and feelings, I ate food to zone out, to distract myself, to numb.  Much like my parents abused drugs and alcohol to check out, I was abusing food.  Looking back, a lot of the time, I was outright punishing myself with food.  Food became a tool for self-sabotage. 

It wasn’t until I attended my Mind Body Spirit Practitioner certification course in January of 2015 that I realized that subconsciously, I had developed the belief that if I was bigger in size it would protect me from the pain I was feeling.  My subconscious thinking was that if I got big it would naturally cause people to stay away from me.  My bigger size would serve as a means to push people away and keep them at a distance.  People couldn’t hurt me if they weren’t around, however, I was always around and hurting myself the most.  I was hurting myself enough to cover the pain for me and everyone else. 

I felt unworthy of anything or anyone.  I didn’t feel worthy to be happy or healthy.  I didn’t feel worthy of having anything good in my life.  I felt stuck in my own head which is a scary place to be.  I felt stuck in my finances, relationships, and career.  Even with all this chaos in pain going on in my life for all these years, I was unmotivated to change.  My life was way out of balance and I had no desire to make even the slightest of changes.  It was a viscous cycle. 

For me, it got to the point of wanting to commit suicide on October 24, 2017 to finally get my rear in gear and take steps toward lasting change.  It was a matter of take my life or take my life back.  I decided to take my life back.  It started with the courage to reach out for help.  I then changed my nutrition to eliminate as much sugar and carbs as I possibly could.  I also changed my thoughts by reading positive material and listening to positive YouTube channels every single day.  I made a big U-turn in my life and you can do the same.  It’s your turn now.